Helping Kids Handle Grief

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I want to start this by saying that I am a mom and teacher. This is my first hand experience, of how my kids handled their grief. However, this is not professional advice, consult a mental health professional for that. This is just what is currently working for me and my kids from the trenches.

My kids were blessed with an amazing dad, seriously, record breaking amazing. While that is a great thing, I often wonder if that makes it harder because there is a HUGE hole in their lives. He took the time with the kids with everything. John involved them in whatever task he was doing. He took the time to explain the what and the why. He was known for doing projects with them but having them make the drawings first. One time she wanted to make a pirate’s treasure box and she had to draw it out how she wanted, they made the project and had to redo it multiple times to make it just like she had planned. Amazing dad=huge empty hole when he is gone= whole lotta kid grief.

I’m going to start with a few things that don’t work when helping kids handle thier grief.

• Don’t say that the person who died when to sleep. That kid is going to be afraid to fall asleep, and a kid who won’t sleep paired with a really tired parent is not a good combination.
• Don’t say that the person who died ‘went to a better place’. This gives the impression that there is something wrong with where they were. What could be better than a Dad being with his kids… unless there is something wrong with them. Please don’t do that to a kid.
• Don’t lie. The truth sucked in our situation. But if they would have heard lies, the confusion and hurt when they finally heard the truth would have been unbearable.
• Don’t give in to their every request. Sure things will have to change but if you didn’t say yes to everything before don’t do it now. They are dealing with lots of emotions, stability helps.

What helps kids handle their grief

I like to think of the the things that helped as a bag of tricks. When you are mid meltdown with a kid the same thing that worked yesterday might not work today. It just depends on what the hurt is, if it’s a general I miss him or if someone said something hurtful, or if it’s a big day that their Dad is missing, or something else entirely… it just depends. It is also different depending on that kid’s personality and age. The same thing that works with a one-year old, doesn’t work with 4-year old Molly.

Share Memories

Share memories of their lost loved one. My kids LOVE hearing stories about their dad, and they don’t need to be big little memories are perfect!!! One of their favorite stories is about snorkeling on our honeymoon. Stories about his childhood, us dating, our wedding, the kids with him when we were little are the best bedtime stories ever! The only exception to sharing stories would be refrain from ones that make the remaining parent look bad or irresponsible, at least at first. A few hours (maybe like 48) a ‘friend’ came over and was sharing with my then 9 year old pictures from partying days where I was less than responsible. It took a LONG TIME to clean up after that. If their Dad is dead and mom’s a flake where does that leave them? Don’t be that person.

I’m currently working on writing a story book for the kids. This is turning into a huge project. But story by story, page by page, I’ll get there.

Pictures

My phone has the ability to sort through pictures by faces. This has allowed me to be able to find all of John’s pictures old and new that I have taken throughout the life of my phone. On demand, it will create a video of these pictures and you can decide if it’s short, medium, or long and what type of music you want playing. I almost always pick cheerful because if they are having a moment, sappy music isn’t going to help make it better.

Thankfully, I have taken lots and lots of pictures throughout the years. For the funeral, I printed TONS of pictures, seriously TONS. Once the posters were created, I had bunches of printed pictures left over. I let the kids go through these and pick their favorites. I then took these and put them into a small photo album for each of the kids. They have them tucked into a special space in their rooms.

At about the year mark, I built a Shutterfly book. I did a 12×12 and sorted the pictures as a timeline. Childhood first, followed by dating, marriage, John and I and then two pages of him with each of the kids (so 8 pages each), a page of John with his parents, 2 pages of him and his siblings, 2 pages of him with my family and several pages of snapshots of pictures that have good stories or bring out his personality. I specifically built this for bedtime story time, having the kids able to pick out a picture they want to hear the story behind has helped.

Pillows, blankets and teddy bears

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Blankets

I’m not sure why but I wouldn’t have thought these things to be as important to my kids as they are. At the funeral, a local group sent four blankets. I remember seeing them and thinking how thoughtful it was, because honestly I had never heard of the group, they heard our story and sent them. People are soooo good! Right away the kids latched onto these special daddy blankets. They carried them everywhere, slept with them, and searched for them whenever they were feeling sad. 15 months out, still a favorite.

Pillows

It took me a really, really long time to do anything with John’s clothes. They sat for months. An amazing member of my community reached out and offered to make pillows out of John’s shirts. They are amazing. The pillows even have a secret pillow for all of their treasures. Each of the kids absolutely know what pillows are theirs, and they are on their beds at all times (an amazing feet because sometimes their rooms are serious disasters!)

Teddy Bears

After we saw the wild success of the teddy bears, it was suggested to make shirts into teddy bears. John’s mom took the task head on, and ended up making around 15 bears for family members. You can read more about this here. The kids, especially the younger three LOVE these. When Greta gets into trouble (usually for biting) and she is upset, she will go to her room and get her bear.

Music Boxes

John’s work got each of the kids a little music box with a tiny bit of storage (amazingly thoughtful company). Each kid was given a different song. When the kids are super sad, they will often slip up to their rooms and wind up the music box playing a tune for comfort. Now, for me, when I hear that music, I instantly know which kid is upset because of the different tunes. This has been so comforting for them, and helpful to me, because I may have missed the distress.

Distraction

This is the one that honestly helps the most when the world is ending but is probably least recommended by the experts. When the kids are out of their minds sad (sad is totally not the best word here, but it will get the point across). They days when they win the baseball game that their dad wasn’t there to watch. When a friend at school says that they wish their parent would die because they made them clean their rooms, and your kids would give ANYTHING to get theirs back. The day that the remember just how fun it was to be thrown in the air by their dad, and now no one is here to do that. Those days.

On those days, distraction is my best trick in the bag. We will pretend to plan their birthday party. Name 8 friends you want to invite. Think of 7 games you want to play. Tell me 6 foods you want to eat. What are 5 presents that you would like to receive. Sometimes we will focus on colors. Find 10 things that are the color blue. Find 9 things that are red. I almost always do a countdown, finding a little less each time. It seems like this will get them thinking about what they are looking for or thinking about and what will be the next thing.

Traditions

I’ve always been big on traditions, which is somewhat interesting, because I didn’t have a ton growing up. Each year, each kid gets a nice hardback book for their birthday, we paint, color and customize the inside. I kept doing this. Each year we went to the drive-in to catch a movie, I’ve continued doing this. First day of school pictures… you bet, same sign as before, same locations… just missing John.

We have also started new traditions. In the front yard, we planted a “Daddy Tree”, a pine tree because their dad LOVED Christmas. We decorated it with cheerio garland and treats, to make a Christmas for the birds. Soon, I’ll write more about this.

Some traditions had to end or put on hold, like apple cider. John would drive a lift around our yard and pick tons of apples. We would spend all day, usually with the help of family, making apple cider. At least a year’s supply for several families. The first fall it just didn’t get done. Time was an issue, resources another issue, it just didn’t happen. But for the most part, I’ve tried to keep up with our family traditions.

How about you?

What are your thoughts? Is there anything that you would suggest that can be added to the bag of tricks? I would love to hear about it in the comments below!